Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Dog Haiku

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I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.

Read more: Dog Haiku 

The Day Fluffy Died

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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

Read more: The Day Fluffy Died

Chicken Parrot

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So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "STOP IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Read more: Chicken Parrot

Chicken Legs

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A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.

Read more: Chicken Legs

Chickens in the Library

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A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, "Buk Buk BUK." The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books so she gives them three books. The chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, "Buk Buk BuKKUK!" The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books so she give them another three books. The chickens leave as before.

Read more: Chickens in the Library

Cats and Mice

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One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

Read more: Cats and Mice

A Cat, Dog, And A Fire Truck

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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

Read more: A Cat, Dog, And A Fire...

The Burglar

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A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He heard again, "Jesus is watching you." This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

Read more: The Burglar

Bloody Bat

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A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

Read more: Bloody Bat

Birds Nest

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What do you call it when a lawnmower runs over a birds nest?

Shredded tweat.

Beware of Dog!

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Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

The stranger asked the store owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

Read more: Beware of Dog!

Bad Dog!

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While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to tinkle all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just relieved himself all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."