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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Blonde Tidbits #4

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Q. How does a blond try to kill a bird?
A. Throws it off a cliff

Q. What was the blonde doing in the sink?
A. Tap Dancing

Q. Standing in a circle, is a clever blonde, dumb blonde, a dumb brunette, Santa Claus, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. In the middle there's a $50 note. Who'll pick it up?
A. The dumb blonde. The others don't exist!

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Blonde Tidbits #3

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Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

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Blonde Tidbits #2

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Blonde: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
Man: "It's 3:15."
Blonde: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing; I've been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Hide-and-go-seek winner from last year.

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Blonde Tidbits

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Q: What did the blonde say when she saw cheerios?
A: Oh look! Donut seeds!

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three; One to screw in the light bulb, and two to get another one.

Q: What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill.

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Three Blondes Fishing

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Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

The Game Warden comes up behind them and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

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Three Blondes & A Genie

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Three blonds were walking down the street and they found a genie's bottle. They rubbed it, a genie popped out and he told them they could each have one wish.

The first blonde says, "I want my IQ raised 20 points."

POOF! She turns into a brunette.

The second blonde thinks to herself, that's really drastic. "Okay," she decides, "I want my IQ raised 10 points."

POOF! She turns into a redhead.

The third blonde is standing there thinking that she REALLY likes her blonde hair, so she says, "I want my IQ lowered 20 points."

POOF! She turns into a man.

Thermos

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A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her.

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The Telegram

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed more stock.

Before leaving for another ranch to check on a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

Read more: The Telegram

Swimming the English Channel

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A blonde woman was in a competition to swim across the English Channel.

Her competitors in the Breast Stroke division were a brunette woman and a redheaded woman.

The brunette came in first, the redhead a few minutes later.

Just as the sun was setting, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

Swimming Blonde

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were out on a boat one day when it broke down 20 miles shy of a island.

The three decide on swimming for shore.

The redhead goes first. She swims two miles, gets tired and comes back.

The brunette goes next. She swims seven miles, gets tired and comes back.

The blonde goes last. She swims a miraculous 19 miles, gets tired and swims back.

Stupidity On Lake Isabella

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A true story. If she had killed herself, she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-foot Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

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State Capitols

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There once was a blonde who was not so bright. Like most blondes, she was sick of people making fun of her so she decides she is going to study and become smarter.

She starts by studying the state capitols. This way the next time someone calls her dumb, she can prove she is smart by saying "ask me a state capitol; I know them all."

The next day she is being her dumb self when someone says "dumb blonde!"

She answers back, "Oh yeah, name any state and I will tell you its capitol."

The person says, "Nevada."

The blonde stands there thinking, "Ummmm umm hmmm," and then she says, "I've got it!"

"Its N."

Speeding Blonde

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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.

The police officer, also a blonde, asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while, and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!!"

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Smart Blonde

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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff said, "what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, 'That's not what I meant, but she's right.'

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

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A Smart Blonde

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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

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Skipping

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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No," replied the blonde, "from skipping all day!"

Quips & Quotes on Blondes #3

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She was soooooo blonde, she took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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Quips & Quotes on Blondes #2

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Did you hear about the blonde who sold her car for gas money?

***

How to Occupy a Blonde:
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&M's!

***

A blonde calls an airline and asks, "How long does it take for a plane to take me from New York to Los Angeles?" The man replies, "One minute." - "Thanks!" replied the blonde... and she hung up.

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Quips & Quotes on Blondes

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Q: How do u kill a dumb blonde?
A: A scratch-n-sniff card at the bottom of a swimming pool. (Thanks to Kirajam, a blonde with a terrific sense of humor, for sending that one in!)

***

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

***

Read more: Quips & Quotes on Blondes