Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Porsche

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There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said "Help needed for paint job. Come here."

So she went to the house and knocked on the door. She said, "I'm here for the paint job."

The man who answered said, "Okay, here's the paint. I want you to paint the porch."

She said, "No Problem," and set off to work.

She finished the first coat and decided because it didn't take very long she would give it a second coat. She finished the second and knocked on the door.

She said, "I gave it two coats and oh, by the way," she continued, feeling very intelligent, "it's not a Porsche, It's a Ferrarie."

Pork

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The waitress approached the blonde at table five, order pad in hand. "Good morning. What can I get for you today?" After placing the menu on the table, the blonde stated that she would like a glass of orange juice, some eggs, potatoes and toast.

"Great!" said the waitress, and in an attempt to upsell the blonde, asked, "Would you like some bacon with that today?"

"No, thanks," replied the blonde, "I don't eat pork ...but you know what? I WOULD like an order of sausages, please."

The Phone Company Interview

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A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.

The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."

Read more: The Phone Company...

Petishun To End Blond Hairassment

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We Can't Take No More! We blonds at the ofise are tierd of all the, the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us graite stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hierd a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supreem cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

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One For The Road

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A blonde woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush.

The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines.

The blonde agrees and starts right away.

Read more: One For The Road

More One Liners

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Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Read more: More One Liners

One Liners

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Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
A: That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why did the blonde spend so much time looking in the refrigerator?
A: Because the orange juice said "Concentrate."

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M&M's

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A fellow took his blonde girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M&M's.

When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

Madonna, Britney and Christina

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Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it out the window saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

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Lost In The Snow

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A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot now, so you can follow me over to K-Mart next."

Looks Familiar

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Two blondes are walking down the street when one notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Lawyer vs. The Blonde

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Read more: Lawyer vs. The Blonde

Blonde Lamborghini

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Okay, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blasting, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes.

To her distress, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper.

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Keeping Busy In Prison

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Three convicts were on the way to prison: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead . They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, the brunette turned to the redhead and said, "So, what did you bring?" The redhead pulled out a box of paints and stated that she intended to paint anything she could. She wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

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Jigsaw Puzzle

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One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

Read more: Jigsaw Puzzle

Ice Fishing

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A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing.

So early the next morning she got all her gear and headed out.

When she reached her destination, she cut a hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.

Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "Uh, Ma'am, there's no fish in there."

Read more: Ice Fishing 

Horseback Riding

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...

...our hero...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

Her First Visit

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A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

Hair Cut

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A blonde goes to the hair dresser with headphones on her head. The hair dresser says, "You have to take off the headphones."

The blonde refused. The hair dresser tried to cut around the head phones, but she couldn't manage.

The hair dresser took the headphones off the blonde and she passed out. The hair dresser put them back on and the blonde came to.

Completely perplexed, the hair dresser took the headphones and listened.

From the headphones, she heard "Breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."

Hailstorm

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A blonde was driving her car one day, when she ran into a hailstorm. The hail stones were very large and made a lot of dents in the roof of her car. After the hail stopped, she went to a gas station and asked the attendant what she could do to get the dents out of her car.

The attendant, being a wise guy, told her: "Blow real hard into the exhaust pipe, and that should push out the dents."

Read more: Hailstorm