Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Blonde Learns To Fly A Helicopter

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A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

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Blonde Kidnapper

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A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

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The Blonde in 1st Class

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On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.

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Blonde Football

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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' "

A Blonde Goes to the Library

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A blonde goes to the library to get a book.

A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So that's where our phone book went!!"

Blonde Bet

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A blonde and a brunette were sitting in a bar watching the TV screen and it was showing a man on the 10:00 news about to jump off a building.

The brunette says, "$20.00 he's going to jump."

The blonde puts down another $20.00 stating that he won't jump.

The man does a nose-dive off the building and dies.

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The Blonde and the Sheepherder

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Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all being the butt of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she dyed her hair brown.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

She stopped and called the sheepherder over."That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

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Barcode

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It was the blonde's first day at her new job as a cashier at the local grocers.

When checking out with just a few items, a customer placed one of those order dividers, that they keep by the cash register, between his things and the items from the woman behind him in line so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the blonde had scanned all of his items, she picked up the divider and began looking it carefully over.

Obviously, she had been looking for a barcode and upon not finding one, she asked, "Do you know how much this is?"

Alligator Shoes

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A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high New Orleans prices.

"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper, "so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in the bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

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Adoption

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A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."