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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Kissing the Stone

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable, the food is terrible, it's too hot, it's too cold, and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't come back tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune.""And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."