Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

Find Us / Like Us

FacebookMySpaceTwitterDiggDeliciousStumbleuponGoogle BookmarksRedditNewsvineTechnoratiLinkedinRSS FeedPinterest
Pin It

Hometown Catalogs

Hometown Catalogs Sale

Login Form

A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Quips & Quotes on Lawyers

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive
 

A lawyer awakened after a serious operation to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

***

Where there is a will, there's an attorney.

***

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "Let's be honest with each other." - "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

***

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

***

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly. "Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge... and boy, did they know how to charge."

***

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

***

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

***

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn," she said.

***

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

*************
Ben Dover
&
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law

*************

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" - "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

***

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them!"

***

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

***

True story: A Toronto man was recently called for jury duty. During the selection process it was discovered that he was, in fact, the defendant.