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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Toddler Miracle Diet

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People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year olds are trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE
Breakfast:
1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, 1 glass of milk (3 sips only, spill the rest).
Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime Snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: 1/2 tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop it in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on cushion of best chair.
Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.