"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
- Bobcat Goldthwait

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carrey

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
- Jeff Stilson

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears

"When you soar like an eagle, you attract hunters."
- Robert Browning

"There is only one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he's crooked."
- Groucho Marx

"You're only as young as the last time you changed your mind."
- Dr. Timothy Leary

"If one or two people tell you that you're a jackass, you can ignore them. But if three or four people tell you you're a jackass, you might think about putting on a saddle."
- Yiddish saying

"Tip for the day: Saying, 'Well, I *feel* like a million dollars' doesn't carry much weight when the bank asks for collateral."
- Mark Spence