Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Quips & Quotes on Religion

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Baby Moses is lying in the bathtub. The water has parted. Standing beside the bathtub a woman says, "Okay Moses, cut the crap and take your bath!" (Thanks, Jaycee!)

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "Why must we be very quiet in church?" Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

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PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

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When the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future!
- Unknown

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"If all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end... they would be more comfortable!"
- Unknown

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Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry because it won't last forever, either.
- Anonymous

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Prayer moves the hand which moves the world. Chin up, knees down. Turn your theology into "kneeology."

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A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. Now, what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said, "What does it mean?" David replied, "It means that the Jews had to suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years."

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"Most people have some sort of religion. At least they know what church they're staying away from."
- John Erskine (1509 - 1591)

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"No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.

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"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."
- Emo Phillips

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There are none so good that they can save themselves; and none so bad that they cannot be saved. - Unknown

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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" - "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends." - "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" - "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

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"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."
- Proverbs 18:2