Maineiac

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

You Know You're in Maine if:

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  • you own more than four pair of gloves.
  • every other vehicle is a 4X4.
  • camping is allowed it's only in steel sided campers.
  • when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
  • in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
  • you leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.

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The Teethbrush

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Research had been going on for many years in regard to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location.

After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion about the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.

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Ten Dollahs

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Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane," and every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

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Maine Rednecks

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PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom stall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

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Maine Winters

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Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed.

They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."

Buying Houses

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I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and his wife built.

One day he was talking to his nephew and the following conversation ensued:

"Uncle, do people buy houses?"
"Yes."
"How do they get them home?"