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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Scientific Study: The Affects of Beer on Men

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Yesterday scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

Read more: Scientific Study: The...

Scientific Study

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A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt.

Quips & Quotes on Women

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Girls, allegedly so timorous and lacking in confidence, now outnumber boys in student government, in honor societies, on school newspapers, and even in debating clubs.
- Christina Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys

***

"Women should be obscene and not heard."
- Groucho Marx

Read more: Quips & Quotes on Women

A Promise Kept

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There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money, always denying himself and his wife any reasonable comfort because he didn't want to part with his precious money.

He loved his money more than anything, so just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

Read more: A Promise Kept

Populate the Earth

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One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

Read more: Populate the Earth

Pad-About Slippers

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For all you Martha Stewart wanna-be's...

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
(See bottom for visual)

You need four maxi's to make a pair.

Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.

Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc.

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New Meds for Women

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Damitol - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

St. Mom’s Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Read more: New Meds for Women

My Kinda Angel

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Okay girls, now be honest... how many of you ENJOY getting those crappy little angel love notes from every person in your address book? You know the ones I mean, *I love you so here's a "too cutesy" angel and some mushy poem to prove it…* BLEH!! Like the cute wasn't bad enough, then they FORCE you to send it on to others! A vicious circle!

Here's MY version...

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Martha Stewart vs The Real Woman

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  • Martha's Way:
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
  • The Real Woman's Way:
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

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Mammogram

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Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

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I Wanna Be a Bear

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In my next life I wanna be a female bear...

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

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Its A Girl Thing

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  • I shave my legs
  • I sit down to pee
  • I can justify any shopping spree
  • I don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
  • I can balance the checkbook
  • I can pump my own gas

Read more: Its A Girl Thing

Impossible Wish

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A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it. Out popped a genie.

The genie said, "Okay, okay...you released me from the lamp, blah blah blah blah blah! This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!"

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

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She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

How to Tell the Gender of a Housefly

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."