A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

(Thanks to Milkcartongal for contributing to this page!)

• Sumo Barbie ...comes with thong
• Teenage Pregnancy Barbie ...complete with dropout forms. Angry parents and deadbeat boyfriend sold separately
• NRA Barbie ...comes with assault rifle and picture of Charlton Heston

• Cut-the-Lady-in-Half-Magic-Trick-that-Went-Wrong Barbie
• Banzai Barbie ...a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie
• Tree Hugger Barbie ...pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric

• Roadkill Barbie ...unrecognizable
• Tail Hook Barbie ...naval uniform with a VERY short skirt
• Stuntman Ken ...comes with lots of Band-Aids

• Bladder Control Barbie ...comes with a free box of Depends undergarments
• Chernobyl Barbie ...glows in the dark
• Jabba the Barbie ...Jabba with a Barbie head

• Spock Ken ...with pointy ears; one eyebrow raised
• Hippie Barbie ...complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia
• Mortal Kombat Barbie ...includes more blood than you can even imagine

• Whoopie Cushion Barbie ...do you really need a description?
• LAPD Barbie ...comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.
• Microsoft Barbie ...Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head

• Cyberpunk Barbie ...includes 'trodes and implants
• Tammy Fae Barbie ...with WAY too much makeup
• Drag Queen Ken ...comes with three, count 'em, three of Barbie's dresses

• Crash Test Barbie ...comes with car and brick wall
• Opera Barbie ...complete with the horns and the brass brassiere
• Marie Antionette Barbie ...with removable head; guillotine included

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie - Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie - Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.