Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Quips & Quotes on Doctors

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A doctor had just delivered twins...a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!" With out missing a beat, he said proudly "You're telling ME I'm not sterile!"


An aging patient was stomping around his psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here." - "Calm down. How long have you been like this?" - "Like what?"


As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." - "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"


A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?," the mother inquired. "Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"


Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision." The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."


Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before the doctor. "I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it." - "Ridiculous," said the doctor. "you'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind." - "Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms!"


A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" - "We won't know until it comes down off the light fixtures."


An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about his new hearing aid he got from the doctor. He said, "This hearing aid is so good that I can hear a pin drop to the floor 60 feet away." The friend said, "What kind is it?" The old man looked at his watch and said, "It's two thirty."


Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end. At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."