Maineiac

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75...' If he doesn't blink, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be an additional $50...’ If he still doesn't blink, you add '...Each.’"

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Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and I to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the day. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911. At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, "What was that?" - "My pager," I said. "I am 911."

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The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the good news first." - "They're going to name a disease after you."

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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" - "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

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"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso." - Rita Rudner

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Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice. Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says she can't feel her legs!"

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Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams." Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock football game."

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A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way... if anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

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This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."