Maineiac

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not?!" - "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him.
"Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately." - "Well," said the doctor, "I can see you are not eating right."

Q: Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?
A: If you aim it well enough!

A man goes to the doctor and says: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And here" (his leg) "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms). So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong and exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!"

A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor. "Do you mean to tell me," exclaimed her friend, "that he actually asked you to return all the presents?" Nancy replied, "Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls!"

The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son--a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion. "My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Before I heard the doctor tell,
The dangers of a kiss,
I had considered kissing you,
The nearest thing to bliss,
But now I know biology,
And sit and sigh and groan,
Six million mad bacteria!
And I thought we were alone!