Maineiac

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." - "And did he?" - "Yes, I had to sell my car to pay the bill."

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited to be near him.

A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" - "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" The guy said, "Yeah, Doc. Got a match?"

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sits down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited because they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doc: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Doc: You need glasses.
Patient: But I'm wearing glasses, Doc.
Doc: Then I need glasses.