Maineiac

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" - "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Darnit! Where did I leave my pen?!"