Maineiac

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.

A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So this guy walks into a bar. As he's sitting there drinking his beer, someone stands up and shouts, "27!" and the entire bar bursts into hysterical laughter.

A few moments later, someone else stands up and yells, "16!" Once again, the entire bar bursts into fits of laughter.

Soon, a third man stands up and shouts, "6!" Again, everyone in the bar laughs.

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
- Frank Sinatra

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They manage to inflate a life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slips under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the man started to leave.

"Excuse me, sir," said a customer, who was puzzled over what the man had done, "What was that all about?"

"Oh," said the man, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Murphy, staggering home in the wee small hours of the morning, meets up with the local lawman.

"Well here ye are again," says the constable, "Don't you know what time it is?"

"No", says Murphy, "But I can tell from the moon."

"I have heard of people telling time from the sun," says the constable, "but never the moon."

A Moving Story Of Inspiration For Us All

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars."

The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any
bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

An man has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer."

He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

A drunk guy is driving the wrong way on a one-way street and a cop stops him.

The cop goes to the guy and says "Hey didn't you see the arrows??"

The drunk guy replies " I didn't even see the Indians!"

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

Upon arriving, the officers found the drunk muttering, "Never mind," with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."