I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I'm out of bed and dressed; What more do you want?
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.