Maineiac

• You consider McDonald's "real food."
• You actually like doing laundry at home.
• 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
• It starts getting late on the weeknights.
• Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

• you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• you enjoy pain.
• you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

• Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
• Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
• Twitch a lot.
• Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
• Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field - I wrote the thing and need the royalties.

If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in this course - Providing, of course, you don't need any sleep or other 'life.'

The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important - I don't understand this at all either.

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

• Buying books at the SUNY IT bookstore is like a physical challenge in Double Dare.
• Entering the residence hall requires more identification that passing through customs.
• Escalators that don't escalate.
• Our largest area of green grass can be counted, blade for blade, as you pass it by.
• The highest number of handycap spaces + the lowest per capita number of parking spaces = A real life simulation of "Frogger."

• It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
• I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
• My work has a lot of practical importance.
• I wouldn't ever date an undergraduate.
• Your latest article was so inspiring.

1. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
2. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
4. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
5. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

A is for Academics B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.

***************************************************************

I just moved back home after spending a year away at college. It's hard for me to adjust.

I still find myself looking for signs on the door that means the occupants need privacy. I miss that option, closing the door and putting a hair tie on the door knob and getting privacy from your roommate. I wish my parents were that considerate!

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.

Three guys, a Tarheel, a Blue Devil and an NC State Wolfpack are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Wolfpack says, "I am studying to be a farmer; my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in the Piedmont to forever be fertile."

ON FIGHTING:

• "I'll kick your butt!"
  Translation: "I'm gonna get about 20 of my frat buddies together and we're gonna wield bats and hope we can catch you asleep under a tree so we can beat you up!"
• "I've never lost a fight."
  Translation: "I've never been in a fight."
• "I'm about to introduce you to a world of pain."
  Translation: "I'm gonna get a football player to beat you up."
• "Surely we can talk this out like rational human beings."
  Translation: "Not the face! Not the face!"
• "I believe in a fair fight."
  Translation: "We'll start the fight when my back up arrives."

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The 'Blood of Christ' would be switched from red wine to keg beer.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

The Ten Commandments would actually only be five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

There would be a new edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

The Forbidden Fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

A professor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking girl knocked on his door.

"Yes?" he replied, "How may I help you?"

The girl said "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

"Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?"

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.

(A true story)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.