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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

What Time is it?

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A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem. The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't answer.

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Moskowitz and Finkelstein

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I was at a party this weekend and a jokester, stifling a laugh said, "Listen to this: One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to-"

At this, my Jewish friend, Al Cohen said, "Moskowitz and Finkelstein; Moskowitz and Finkelstein; always two Jews. Why do they have to be Jewish? Can't you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"

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Israeli Personals

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These are actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli papers.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write. POB 74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking schmoozing!

Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is Okay. POB 64

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If Elian Gonzales Were Jewish

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A six-year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh. (Matzoh: Passover cracker, i.e., unleavened bread).

The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the S.S. Shanapunim, (Shanapunim: "pretty face") which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean waves near Israel go from right to left. (Note: ALL Hebrew is written and read from right to left).

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All the Same

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It was the first time the Captain and the First Officer had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?"

The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

Read more: All the Same