Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Quote of the Day

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"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war!"

-Unknown

Quips & Quotes on the USA

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86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to sit down and shut up????

***

I love America more than any other country in this world, and exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.
- James Baldwin

Read more: Quips & Quotes on the USA

The Plan

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I see a lot of people on the television yelling for peace, but I have not heard of one plan for peace. "Books, not Bombs" won't work. The head mullahs won't let anyone read them. If they do, they poke their eyes out.

Here's the plan:

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Marshal Petain and the rest of them good old boys. We will never "interfere" again.

Read more: The Plan

Only In America

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... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Read more: Only In America

Made in America

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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGA PORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

Read more: Made in America

Illegal Poem

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I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

Read more: Illegal Poem

Hoorah for Dennis Miller!!

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He said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:

"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional! Therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean (expletive)!"

Homeland Security

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homeland security pic

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to you for further instructions to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists. I have my duck taped, now what?

 

Friendly Fire

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While on a secret mission with Special Forces and the CIA in Iraq last week, we were under heavy fire, and then the unthinkable happened... we came under fire from friendly forces. It was horrible. If you've ever experienced "friendly fire," you'd know what I mean. For those of you who have never experienced "friendly fire," I took a photo of the event. Brace yourself and see photo...

Read more: Friendly Fire

English is a Stupid Language!

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Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let's face it: English is a stupid language!

There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, french fries were not invented in France.

Read more: English is a Stupid...

Common Sense

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A Sad Announcement

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United States from heart failure early in the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape.

Read more: Common Sense

Change Course

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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Read more: Change Course

Catch and Release

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NEWS FLASH: Due to overcrowding, the United States Navy is releasing some of the un-cooperating Taliban Prisoners... 12 per vehicle!

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Actual Stories by Travelers

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The following are actual stories told by travelers from Mendocino County, California to travel agents in the UK...

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

Read more: Actual Stories by...