Maineiac

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

• Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
• Don't give the same Valentine's card you gave your partner last year.
• Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
• Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.
• Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet... again.
• Don't leave your date alone with your parents, room mates or pet.
• Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
• Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else.

• Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
• "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."
• Stand up every five minutes, circle the table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
• "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
• Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themself.
• "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

Kudzu is green
M my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapp'n in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

(Thanks, Margie!)

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag

• The Florist couldn't find your house, did you move?
• I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.
• The Hallmark Store was closed and I didn't want to send less than the best.
• I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!
• I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner. Where were you?
• I didn't know you liked jewelry.
• I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic Holy Day.
• Your mailman must have been shot in a Post Office Massacre.
• I thought we would do something different this year.
• I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.
• You didn't remind me!

'Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed!
They expect all the trimmings, who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowlful of eggs.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

Q: Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?
A: In the Little League!

Did you hear about the leprechaun who worked at the diner?
He was a short-order cook!

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable, the food is terrible, it's too hot, it's too cold, and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

St. Patrick was born in Roman Britain, around 389. When he was 16, he was sold into slavery to Ireland where he was a shepherd for six years.

While in captivity, he studied and turned to religion. He escaped slavery and later returned to Ireland as a missionary, determined to convert Ireland to Christianity. He used the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity.

I'm looking over a four leaf clover
That I over-looked before.
One leaf is sunshine, the second is rain,
Third is the roses that grows in the lane.

No need explaining the one remaining
Is somebody I adore.
I'm looking over a four leaf clover
That I over-looked before!

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
• I will not eat the cats' food... before OR after they eat it.

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.

At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.

He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."

The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

"I think women get more excited about New Year's Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year's Eve? You get drunk and make a lot of promises you don't keep. You see, men do that all the time... it's called dating."
- Jay Leno

"I haven't showered since last year."
- Said on New Year's Day

Be the host with the most (or the hostess with the mostest) with these very unique New Year's toasts!

A health to you,
A wealth to you,
And the best that life can give to you.

As you slide down the banisters of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
- Irish toast

Here's a toast to all who are here
No matter where you're from
May the best day you have seen
Be worse than your worst to come.

• Have a torrid fling with a street mutt.
• Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
• I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
• Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
• Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are thoroughly free from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse them completely from every clinging spite: pick off all specks of pettiness and littleness; in short , see that these months are freed from all the past; have them as fresh and clean as when they first came from the great storehouse of Time.

Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one day at a time, as follows: