Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

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December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 - Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 - Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 - Debug Windows '98

December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 - Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.

December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.

December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28 - Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.

December 29 - Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.

December 30 - Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.

December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.