Maineiac

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in!

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Q:Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the refrigerator.

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A wife and her husband are attending a very important business party her boss throws. On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?" - "Why, no!" replied the husband, flattered. "Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!"

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"Ah, Mozart! He was happily married... but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge

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"I love being married... I was single for a long time and I just got sick of finishing my own sentences."
- Brian Kiley

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Shortly after we set our wedding date for December 2, my mom sent me a calendar that showed December 2 to be "Do Something Dumb Day" and December 3 was "Live to Regret it Day."

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A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you.

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"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Wrong.'"
- Unknown

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"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
- Lewis Grizzard

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"Guys, learn this: even if you're just living with a woman you're not even married to, give up any thought of being involved in interior decoration of the place you're going to live in. All your beer stuff, your sports mirrors, put them in storage. I've been to Wayne Gretsky's house, he's got five MVP trophies, and you know where they are? They're in the garage."
- Denis Leary

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Not all men are fools, some are bachelors.

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The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

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My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other... So now it's just a waiting game.

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"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the Chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly." The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife *Audrey* and explain Beverly to her!"

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Q. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.