Maineiac

A businessman was being interviewed about his life and career when the subject of his wife of thirty years came up. "To what do you attribute the success of your marriage?" asked the interviewer. "Well," replied the businessman, "You know that saying 'Behind every successful man there's a woman'?" - "Yes." - "Well, behind every successful man's woman is a pre-nuptial agreement."

***

They were having their first fight, and finally he said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." She said, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people."

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Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." - "Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother." - "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."

***

"For others who may not know this: When the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom."
- David Gunter

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David's wife is mad at him because he forgot her birthday. Quick-witted, David says, "Sweetheart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

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Sara was quite a beautiful yound lady, and she certainly did like to remind her fiance Jack about it. One day she said, "You know, Jack, a lot of men are going to be totally miserable when I marry." - "Oh, really, Sara?" Jack replied with a grin. "And how many men are you intending to marry?"

***

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new tele- phone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

***

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing."

***

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

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LONGVIEW, TX - A woman was jailed after punching out her husband. the woman who was arrested for punching and scratching her husband was about to be released after her husband posted her bail, but she couldn't wait to get out of the courthouse before taking another swing at him... which just landed her in jail again.

***

Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help. The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man started, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!" The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] Okay, bud, where's my 'grand'?" "But, this is my *mother-in-law*!" The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Okay, how much do I owe you?"