All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
The difference between marriage and death?
Dead people are free.
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
- Groucho Marx
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
- S. T. Coleridge
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature, so you might as well marry a younger one.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
- James Holt McGavran
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
- H.L. Mencken
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds... hers is in Spokane and mine is in Seattle.
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings?
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post."
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Honeymoon: That brief period of time between, "I do" and "You'd better!"
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
- John Lyly
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in the Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding fourteen of them. I think I'll stick to the tradition of throwing rice--it seems much less dangerous.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.