(Thanks, Margie, these are great!)

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To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

A site foreman, displeased with the motivation of the men working for him, decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest person here," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

Boys will be boys ... and so will a lot of middle aged men!

Men are like parking spaces/the good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Three men were at dinner with their wives.

The first man said to his wife, "Pass me the suger, suger."

The second man said, "I can beat that... Pass me the honey, honey."

The third man said, "I can beat that... Pass me the milk, cow."

• Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films ended with a scream and a flush.
• Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5am.

• Combating Stupidity
• You, Too, Can Do Housework
• PMS-Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• How To Fill An Ice Tray
• We Do Not Want Skimpy Underthings For Christmas-Give Us Money
• Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home Drunk At 4:00AM
• Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Titled "Don't Wash My Underwear")

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a female!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat bellied man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions, women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

***

Man does not survive on words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

***

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

The story is told of a chance meeting between 2 men who had been college classmates. They went to a nearby sidewalk cafe where they drank tea together & talked about old times & about their present life situations.

"How is it that you haven't yet married?" one asked the other.

(Thanks, Margie, for sending this in!)

Evelyn was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women.

In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers.

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.

Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.