The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at 50,000 per month.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 40,000 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country running, start with a small country.

Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am.
Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short.