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"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over."
- Edna St. Vincent Milay

"Men don't care what's on TV. They care about what else is on TV."
- Jerry Seinfeld

"I figure if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job."
- Roseanne

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."
- Monica Lewinsky on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
- Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner!
- Lynda Montgomery

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez