Maineiac

...Announces he just married a sheet of Marilyn Monroe stamps.

...It's been over three weeks since he cleaned his gun.

...Delivers the mail wearing nothing but bubble wrap.

...His new system: reach into the bag and whatever you can grab is yours!

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

An accountant was attending a tax seminar in Las Vegas. The lawyer sitting next to him was obviously bored with the pre- senter, and suggested the two of them slip out to the lobby for a cigar.

The accountant replied, "Well, thank you for the invite, but I tried smoking cigars once, and I didn't like them...I'll have to pass."

A few minutes passed, and the lawyer said, "This is a very tiresome presentation... how about we slip down to the bar and have a cocktail?"

1. You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell"
2. Your best friend calls to ask how you've been and you immediately scream "Get off by back, WITCH!"
3. Your garbage can is your "IN" box
4. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care
5. You have so much on your mind that you've forgotten how to pee
6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday
7. You sleep more at work than you do at home
8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase
9. Your day-timer exploded a week ago
10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure, madam, which way is it headed?"

I believe that most people have had occasion to have an overwhelming desire to just smash the heck out of some electronic device which is always malfunctioning. Computers, VCRs, DVD players, etc., tend to act up when we need them the most. The attached pic is my 2 year old FAX machine which worked perfectly until the warranty expired. Now it keeps eating paper, pulling 2 sheets thru at a time and worst of all, people keep calling me and telling me they did not get part or all of my fax. The desire is consuming me.

• In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million dollars."
• Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
• You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote.
• Insists that there's no such number as four.
• He laughed at the Bob Dole background check.
• Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
• Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
• Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
• Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant."
• He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

A few years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

Areas of Effectiveness: I am very effective at sittin on my butt and directin a dummy at gettin work done that I don't wanna do. I can drink beer with the best beer drinkers and if I have a few to many I can find the best places to sleep it off. I am very good at complainin when things don't go my way or I don't feel like doin nothin.

Seminars/Coarsework:I have taken classes on how to get rich without doin nothin but quit cause it took to much work and I got a headache.

Licenses: Yep...I got one...whoopee!

Objectives: to get a job with a company that don't make me work to hard and pays me alot of money so I can buy more beer.

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M., and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

So you hate your job, do you? Quit complaining - It could be worse!!!

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
- Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work?

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
- Robert Frost

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him.

Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.

The next day, according to the young man's words, the plane crashes. The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward -- and then fires him.

Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss replies, "You were sleeping on the job."

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."