Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Quips & Quotes on the Office

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"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
- Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work?

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
- Robert Frost

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."

"Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security."
- Unknown

Being punctual in our office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
- Unknown

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss continued. "After you left the office early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

"Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."
- Unknown

Our office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened, some of them even got ulcers.

"We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day."
- Unknown

Stevenson's boss came into his office one morning and caught him hugging his secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for?!" Stevenson replied, "Nope, I do this for free!"

"Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After a few hours, you realize the pig likes it."
- Unknown

The pretty new temp was standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. Stevenson asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work?" He took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so Stevenson said, "Any questions?" She said, "Yeah... exactly where do the copies come out from?"

"This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
- Unknown