Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Sign Of The Times

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In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In an appliance store window: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits -- $100.00 They won't last an hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End.

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

On a movie marquee: Now playing ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

On a Tennessee highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.