Maineiac

"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army."
- Conan O'Brien

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Upon hearing of the vote in the U.S. House of Representatives confirming their Ethics Committee recommendation to expel (now former) Ohio Representative Trafficant on charges of graft and use of his office for personal gain, my wife's comment was: "Great! Only 524 to go!"

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"There are no permanent alliances, only permanent interests."
- Lord Palmerston, 19th century British Foreign Secretary

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One fateful day, Madeleine Albright walked into a NATO meeting. Seeing that she was the only female in the room, she asked, "So, Gentlemen, shall we make love or war?" The vote was unanimous.

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"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news--they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."
- David Letterman

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"The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the State."
- Joseph M. Goebbels

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $25.00
Fried Explorer: $35.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied, "Simple - have you ever tried to clean one of them?!"

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"I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, let's wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there."
- Craig Kilborn

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Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The US Government Regulations on the Sale of Cabbage: 26,911 words

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"President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished."
- Jay Leno

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Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners?
A: Politicians don't inhale...they just suck!

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"The good news is the White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."
- David Letterman

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GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

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"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government."
- Thomas Paine

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It's a damn shame who runs for office. All of the people who really know how to run the country are driving cabs or cutting hair.

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"There is talk on Capitol Hill of cutting the national beer tax in half. Today, Bush's daughters said, 'Dad Rules!’"
- Jay Leno

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"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be designated driver."
- Jay Leno

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"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain

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"Bush knew the original AUSTIN POWERS movies inside out. During the presidential campaign, Bush often lifted his pinkie to the corner of his mouth - to mimic the Dr. Evil character - at aggressive reporters."
- The Drudge Report

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"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan

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"Government loses its claim to legitimacy when it fails to fulfill its obligations."
- Martin Gross, Social Scientist

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Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
- Unknown

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"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation."
- Henry A. Kissinger

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"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
- Ronald Reagan