An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.
The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing.
To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem... just like Chicago in June," the man says.
Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's, it's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the Mexicans in the kitchen, they will kick your butt.
Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Paw Paw, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.
Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it or we will kick your butt.
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be, here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented... Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented... Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams... Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4x4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Chicago Cubs baseball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge shark.