The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone! "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.