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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Your Gonna Die

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die. "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work." "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, give him a back rub several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're gonna die, " she replied.