Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

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I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

You know it's time to shave your legs when the cat uses them for scratching behind its ears.

So many men, so few who can afford me...

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45 lb

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The attention is the same, but the dishes pile up.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has positive side.