Maineiac

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Ways to Tell if a Computer Belongs to a Redneck

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  • The monitor is up on blocks.
  • Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
  • The six front keys have rotted out.
  • The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
  • The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
  • The password is "Bubba."
  • There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
  • There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
  • The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
  • The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

Redneck Tidbits

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Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks' library? Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet!

Redneck Fishing Secrets

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Two rednecks are fishing on their respective sides of the crick.

Just as soon as one redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank.

The other was catching nothing, so he yelled out, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the crick!"

"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.

The other replied, "T'ain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

A Redneck Affair

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After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after! I'll kill him!"

One Year To Live

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A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.

After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he should do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

Read more: One Year To Live 

How to Say "I Love You" in 17 Languages

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English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag
Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kansas,
Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi,
Missouri, Montana, North Carolina,
Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas,
Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia,
& parts of Florida. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice ass, get in the truck.

Good Deeds

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The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

Read more: Good Deeds

Dearest Redneck Son

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I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

Read more: Dearest Redneck Son

Bubba & Earl

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Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

Bubba says, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

Read more: Bubba & Earl

Amos & Clarence

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There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Amos hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Amos was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whoop Clarence.

Read more: Amos & Clarence