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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Women Only

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With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

women only pic

Send this to all the women you care about.

To Women Everywhere, From A Man Who's Had Enough

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If you think you're fat, you probably are . Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Read more: To Women Everywhere,...

Women's T-Shirt Sayings

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Don't tick me off... I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Read more: Women's T-Shirt Sayings

Women - Did You Know?

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There are 3 BILLION women who don't look like supermodels and only 8 who do?

Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.

If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

The average American woman weighs 144 lb. and wears between a size 12 and 14.

Read more: Women - Did You Know?

Women Can Be So Cruel

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The husband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The wife says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Read more: Women Can Be So Cruel 

Women & Firearms

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The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below:

Read more: Women & Firearms

What Women Do 3

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BATHROOMS:

  • A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

Read more: What Women Do 3

What Women Do 2

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DRESSING UP:

  • A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Read more: What Women Do 2

What Women Do

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TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Read more: What Women Do

Tidbits 3

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I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Read more: Tidbits 3

Tidbits 2

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Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

Read more: Tidbits 2

Tidbits

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Q: Why do woman have small feet?
A: So they can get closer to the stove.

So many men, so few who can afford me.

Read more: Tidbits

Three Old Ladies

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Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

Read more: Three Old Ladies

The Three Bears in 2003

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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Read more: The Three Bears in 2003

Things You Never Hear A Woman Say

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  • Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?
  • You take me out too much, can't we just stay in?
  • A fake one will do.
  • You look stressed out, let me massage your back.
  • Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it.
  • That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.
  • I hate my Mother.
  • No, no, you buy me too much already.
  • What headache?
  • Put your money away, let me buy the round.
  • Don't get up.  I'll clean the house, you just watch the game and relax.

Things My Mother Taught Me

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My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

Read more: Things My Mother Taught...

Survivor: Mother

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This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show:

Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Read more: Survivor: Mother

Surefire Ways To Know You're A Woman

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When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "NO" then get mad when you are believed.

Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

Read more: Surefire Ways To Know...

Seminars for Women

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In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:

General Education

  • GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
  • GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
  • GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
  • GE104: How to Parallel Park
  • GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
  • GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
  • GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Read more: Seminars for Women