Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Christina Aguilera's Doggy Bag

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(Another media darling makes a complete idiot of herself - I love the last paragraph!!! Thanks, Dad, for sending this to me!)

Christina Aguilera has apparently acquired a new sense of eco-awareness. Known to be a bit of a temperamental diva, Aguilera had a run-in with a glitzy Hollywood restaurant over some leftovers.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports that the singer had finished her meal at a trendy eatery and had requested that the waiter place her uneaten food into a doggie bag. When she was brought the leftover food in a styrofoam box, Christina purportedly blew her cork.

Read more: Christina Aguilera's...

You Must Be Single

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A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right...but how on earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

You Know You Are Living in the Year 2003 When...

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(Thanks, Margie, this is great!)

  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

Read more: You Know You Are Living...

Writing on the Walls

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Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
- Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not "How high are you?" it’s "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her.
- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina

Read more: Writing on the Walls

Worst Date

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[This was on the Jay Leno show on 9-7-99. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!]

She said it was mid-winter .... snowing and quite cold ....and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte apres-ski. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she should try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Read more: Worst Date

What do You Think?

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  • If you throw a cat out the window, is it considered kitty litter?
  • If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Read more: What do You Think?

Weapons

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At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Watson You Idiot!

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Read more: Watson You Idiot!

The Washroom

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Leaving Montreal, I decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall.

I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall, "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I said, "Not bad..."

Read more: The Washroom

Washington Post Style Invitational

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The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Read more: Washington Post Style...

Useless Inventions

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  • A freezer for Eskimos.
  • AC adapter for solar calculators.
  • Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket.
  • Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
  • Avalanche prevention goggles.
  • Battery powered battery charger.

Read more: Useless Inventions

Unauthorized Activity

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This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response... but read the letter before you get to the response.

Read more: Unauthorized Activity

Toddler Miracle Diet

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People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year olds are trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!

Read more: Toddler Miracle Diet