Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

Find Us / Like Us

FacebookMySpaceTwitterDiggDeliciousStumbleuponGoogle BookmarksRedditNewsvineTechnoratiLinkedinRSS FeedPinterest
Pin It

Hometown Catalogs

Hometown Catalogs Sale

Login Form

A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Will I be Acquitted?

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Read more: Will I be Acquitted?

Very Happy

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed coif and says, "I could throw one hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy!

Unrefuted Facts

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Bill Clinton registers for the draft on September 08, 1964, accepting all contractual conditions of registering for the draft, given Selective Service Number 3 26 46 228.

Bill Clinton classified 2-S on November 17, 1964.

Bill Clinton reclassified 1-A on March 20, 1968.

Bill Clinton ordered to report for induction on July 28, 1969.

Read more: Unrefuted Facts

Clinton Tidbits 3

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
********************************************************

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.
********************************************************

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
********************************************************

Read more: Clinton Tidbits 3

Clinton Tidbits 2

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

WITCH = William In Trouble, Call Hillary.
********************************************************

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ. When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked, "Where's Dorothy?"
********************************************************

Washington never told a lie. Kennedy never told the truth. And Clinton never new the difference.
********************************************************

Read more: Clinton Tidbits 2

Clinton Tidbits

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
********************************************************

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.
********************************************************

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
********************************************************

Read more: Clinton Tidbits

Threat

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

Read more: Threat

Statue Committee

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Dear Friend,

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars to place a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.

This committee was in quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

Read more: Statue Committee

Some Words On Character

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

"The glory of a nation rests upon the character of her men."
- Herbert Hoover

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Character doesn't matter."
- Bill Clinton

That just about says it all, doesn't it??

Saddam, Bill, and 3 Buttons

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

Read more: Saddam, Bill, and 3...

Pumping Gas

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank.

As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and they leave.

Read more: Pumping Gas

The Pope's Visit

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton.

Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

Read more: The Pope's Visit

Points to Ponder

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

AN INTERESTING QUESTION:
This question was raised on a Philly radio call-in show. Without casting stones, it is a legitimate question. There are two men, both extremely wealthy. One develops relatively cheap software and gives billions of dollars to charity. The other sponsors terrorism. That being the case, why is it that the Clinton Administration spent more money chasing down Bill Gates over the past eight years than Osama bin Laden?

Read more: Points to Ponder

Parachute

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

There are five people on a plane: two pilots (they are married), Bill Clinton, his wife, and a boy scout. Suddenly one of the pilots shouts out, "We are running out of fuel!" Then the other pilot points to the four parachutes in the back and says, "Since there are only four, everyone will have to give reasons why they need to take a parachute."

The female pilot jumps up and says, "Well I'm expecting a baby!" So she grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. Then the male pilot jumps up and says, "That baby's going to need a father." So he grabs a parachute and jumps.

Read more: Parachute

The Old Pig

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a N.Y. country road one evening when an old pig loomed in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old pig was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

Read more: The Old Pig

Memoirs

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything.

Is this a great country or what?

Medicine

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

Lying

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar InactiveStar Inactive

When Bill and Hillary got married, he told Hillary to never look in he box under their bed, and so she agreed.

A couple of years had gone by and she had never looked in the box, but one day she was vacuuming the house and knocked the box over and when she picked it up she noticed their were three empty beer cans and $342.76 in the box.

She goes to Bill with the box later that evening and asks him about the cans, and he says, "Well, those cans are for every time I lied to you."

Hillary replies, "Then I must ask you what the $342.76 is for?"

"Well, that's for all the cans that I have recycled."