Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

The Lever

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A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever. Just as he does, he hears a voice say, "Don't touch that lever."

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Less Famous Proverbs

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Thanks to Margie for sending these in!!

  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • A day without sunshine is like ... night.
  • On the other hand...... you have different fingers.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

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THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

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NAME: ____________________ GANG NAME: ___________________

1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

Read more: THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES...

Knowledge Pills

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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

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Just A Kiss Per Yard

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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" Smirking, the male clerk answered, "Only one kiss per yard."

"That's fine," replied the girl, "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Jumper

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(Thanks, Gloria!)

If you have a weak stomach, then don't scroll down... it is a picture of a jumper that, of course, ended in his demise, with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.

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HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE!

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1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice

3. Insist that your e-mail address be This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Read more: HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY...

How To Deal With Telemarketers

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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

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Hot Dogs

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Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York.

Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island.

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The Hokey Pokey

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I usually don't pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about.

There was a great loss recently. Larry Latthas, the song writer who wrote the "Hokey Pokey" died last week at the age of 83.

It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put the left leg in....well, you know the rest.

The History of the World

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"One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot."

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Here's Your Sign

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From Andy Rooney...

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

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Guy on an Island

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From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea ... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Great Truths About Life...

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Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

  1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  4. Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
  5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

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Great Thinkers 2

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"The new Irish Flag would be orange and green, and would in the future be known as the Irish tricolor."
- Smith O'Brien, Irish revolutionary.

"This extraordinary man left no children behind him, except his brother, who was killed at the same time."
- from a biography of French revolutionary leader Robespierre, in a nineteenth-century Irish paper.

"Bruce Sutter has been around for a while and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is."
- Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster.

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Great Thinkers

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA Contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
---Mariah Carey

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George Carlin Quotes

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We've all seen most of these, but did you know they originated from George Carlin? They're still hilarious after all this time...enjoy!

  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

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Garage Sale

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I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale.

I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside, stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside. I did this until every item was labeled.

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Free

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Every year at a mental institution in Ireland, they pick two of their most reformed patients and question them. If the patients answer the questions satisfactorily, they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

Read more: Free