Maineiac

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Fartin' Around

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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

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Everybody, Somebody, Nobody & Anybody

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Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So, consequently, Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

Ethical Question

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Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had eight kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

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Epitaphs

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Actual epitaphs from real tombstones...

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

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Enemies to the West

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A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Fun Things to do on an Elevator

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1) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

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Early 00's Vocabulary

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SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

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Dr. Phil's Test

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Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate, and it only takes two minutes.

Don't peek! Begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answer for who you are now... not who you were in the past.

It's only ten simple questions, so... grab a pencil and paper and keep track of your letter answers.

Ready?? Begin!

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Definitions

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AUTOMOBILE -- A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

BRAIN -- The apparatus with which we think that we think.

CLEARASOL -- Effective sunspot remover.

FAIRY TALES -- Horror stories for children to get them use to reality.

JURY -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

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Dear Abby

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Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

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Customer Support

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My Aunt died this past January. Her credit card company billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00; now was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank...

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

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Cruisin at 40,000 Feet

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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

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Cowboy's First Visit

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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

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Chicken Of The Living Dead?

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Kay Martin, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. But, there were no chickens anywhere.

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Chapped Lips

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An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and headed for the swinging doors of the saloon.

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Cannibals

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone's eaten.

Q: What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A: A celebrity roast.

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Books Never Written

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  • "Under the Grand Stands" by Seymor Buts
  • "To the Outhouse" by Willie Maket, Illustrated by Betty Betty
  • " How to Survive a Bear Attack" by Ben Eaton
  • "Walking to School" by Misty Bus
  • "How to Check a Pulse" by Izzy Dead
  • "Where Have All the Animals Gone?" by Darin Dabarn

Blame

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If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

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Beethoven's Death

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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

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