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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Actual Excerpts From Student Science Exam Papers

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  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  • Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
  • The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
  • The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
  • To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
  • The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  • A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  • The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
  • Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  • Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
  • A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
  • An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
  • We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
  • English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
  • By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
  • If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
  • A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
  • A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
  • The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
  • When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
  • It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
  • Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
  • For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
  • For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
  • For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  • For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body
  • For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
  • For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
  • Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
  • When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.