Maineiac

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. So he decided to get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman walked onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man for a twosome. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting.

She: "Let me get this straight.The less I hit the ball, the better I am doing."
He: "That's right."
She: "Then why hit it at all?"

The toughest part about this game is getting off the tee and into the hole.

As the man said,"I know I can play better than this; I just never have".

If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States. - H.L. Mencken

Golf is twenty percent mechanics and technique. The other eighty percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation. - Grantland Rice

My best score ever was 103, but I've only been playing 15 years. - Alex Karris

Lay off for three weeks, and then quit for good. - Sam Snead

Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at. - Dave Hill

I've made a million, but I don't have a million - Walt Zambriski

The players themselves can be classified into two groups- the attractions and the entry fees. - Jimmy Demaret

Let's see, I think I right now I'm third in the money-winning and first in money-spending. - Tony Lema

There are no points for style when it comes to putting. It's getting the ball in the cup that counts. - Brian Swarbrick

Most golfers prepare for disaster. A good golfer prepares for success. - Bob Toski

A lot of guys who have never choked, have never been in the position to do so. - Tom Watson

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list. -Lee Trevino

Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee, who has a deep suntan, a one iron in his bag and squinty eyes. -Dave Marr

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron. - Lee Trevino

Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six and write down five. - Paul Harvey

Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer. - Tommy Bolt

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

In my hand I hold a ball,
white and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how bland it does appear,
this harmless looking little sphere.

By its size, I could not guess,
the awesome strength it does possess.
But since I fell beneath it's spell,
I've wandered through the fires of hell.

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.

Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water."

Jesus replies: "If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it."

An elderly lady from a remote little town went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming.

An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland.

He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle.

The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland.

The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three."

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, he proceeds to splash five balls in a row into the water.

Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.