Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends.
The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore
You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
A young boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English,"he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
" However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
Crib Notes On College
- Your high-school reputation will not precede you. No one will know you as the jock/geek/brain/loser/spaz/prom queen/drag queen/guy who puked in gym class/etc. You have to start over to make a new reputation, but you get a clean slate.
- Homework effort affects your grade, even if it's not checked.
- Textbooks cost far more than you can imagine.
- Teaching assistants have far more control over your grade than you can imagine.
College Finals From Hell
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours.
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
Changing a Light Bulb
Q: How many Belmont Abbey students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three - one to hold the candle, one to light the flint, and the other to pray that it works.
Q: How many Chowan students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - if they get lucky and one of them has taken the course at Elizabeth City State.
Q: How many Davidson students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - one to change a bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that they could have gone to an Ivy League if they had wanted to.
Actual Excerpts From Student Science Exam Papers
- Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
- Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
- The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
- The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.
The professor was explaining an accounting method called "First In Last Out," which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff.
53 Fun Things to Do on a Final That Does Not Matter
- Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "Oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
- Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
- If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
- Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
15 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
- Sit up. Say, "time to make the donuts." Leave. Do this often.
- Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.
- Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.
- Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.
- Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.
10 Ways To Get Thrown Out Of Chemistry Lab
- Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
- Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
- Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
- Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
- When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
10 Excuses For Not Doing Your Math Homework
- I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
- Isaac Newton's birthday.
- I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
- I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
- I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.