Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Quips & Quotes on Kids

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The bus driver noticed an older woman hugging one of the students when she picked him up for pre-school one day. "Is that your grandmother?" She asked. "Yes," the pre-schooler said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." - "How nice," the bus driver said. "Where does she live?" - "At the airport," the boy replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

***

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

***

You can't scare me - I have children!

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A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

***

 

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

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When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still stuck sleeping with dad."

***

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

***

A well-fed child can still be starved for affection.

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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered. "I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said. "Sorry, but they ain't here." - "Little Johnny!" she said, "Where is your grammar?!" - "Beats me," he replied, "but Dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!"

***

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration. "He's a magician," said the new boy. "How exciting. What's his best trick?" - "He saws people in half." - "How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?" - "Yep... one half brother and two half sisters."

***

A man was sitting in his living room wondering what time it was, when he heard his small son out in the kitchen. "Bobby," he called out, "what is the little hand on?" After a short pause, Bobby replied, "A chocolate chip cookie."

***

You can always tell the people who don't have children. They're the ones who think summer went by so fast.

***

As I walked down the hall in our middle school, I overheard a student make a very insightful comment. I poked my head into the classroom and said, "Your students are certainly very astute!" Then another student turned toward me and said, "No, we're not astute, we're a-stupid!"

***

One Sunday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?" As the children walked forward, several parents responded "Yes." One quick-witted father said, "For how long?"

***

Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation.

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"I've got a brother with three feet," commented one young man. "What do you mean?" asked his friend. "Well, he's been away for the summer and my mother received a letter from him the other day. He wrote, 'You would hardly know me - I've grown another foot!'"

***

This weekend, while talking on the phone to my seven-year-old niece, I was giving her my email address. As I was spelling out the address, I told her that she needed to add the "at" symbol, to which she replied, "Oh, you mean a capital 2?"

***

A small child with a bad cough was taken by her parents to a hospital emergency room. A nurse, examining the child's lungs with a stethoscope, told the child: "I have to see if Barney is in there." The child replied, "Barney is on my underwear."

***

"My aunt is a zombie, from hell." -- The little girl from "Not Without My Handbag"

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My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on sticky notes. One day I noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker." So I asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

***

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied: "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked: "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

***

This lady decides to take her young and impish son to the local swimming pool. They are having a good time until one of the lifeguards walks up to the mother and asks her to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool! I don't see why you are making sure a big deal of it!" - "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"

***

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The girl said, "I don't know... I don't eat cats."

***

Yell at your children and get the same in return.

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As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile on his face. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." - "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."