Maineiac

Family Safe Jokes

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A Maineiac

Mainer = A person who stays in Maine for an entire winter.

Maineiac = A person who doesn't have the sense to leave Maine after the 1st winter.

Things I've Learned From My Children

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  • A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sqare-foot house 4 inches deep.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A three year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20-foot room.
  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke... and lots of it.
  • A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  • A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
  • Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
  • Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
  • Super glue is forever.
  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  • VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  • Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  • The fire deptartment in Austin has a five-minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
  • It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.