Maineiac

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

The devil wanted to build a fence between heaven and hell, but he couldn't decide on which side he should build it. Being the devil, he decided to build it on heaven's side. God became angry and demanded to go to court about it. The devil retorts, "Oh yeah? Well, where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.

Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.